and this is what it feels like.

I am so messed up its not even funny.
I haven’t eating much all day, probably the equivalent of one meal. I ate about the same amount yesterday, maybe less. And I can’t sleep either, to the point where at 5:30 this morning I watched the sunrise. I cant relax, my mind won’t shut up and my stomach is always empty. Its hard to sleep with a full mind and an empty stomach. I can’t eat though. I am not hungry at all, usually just the look or smell of food is enough to make me feel sick. And I have that nervous feeling all the time, like you get right before you go on stage, or when your speeding and going over little hills and getting air. That’s what it feels like.
And this is all SG’s fault. I blame him. I can’t stop thinking about him.
What are we even?
Are we going out? dating? nothing? friends with benefits?
I just want to see him. I miss being with him.
I really do like him.

"changed my mind, I want your nasty kiss."

title from something I said to SG at Chris's house,("no one wants your nasty kiss") meaning the Hershey's kiss that he ate off of a few days ago and still has, and was worried someone would eat it. I didn't mean to say it, it just came out and he didn't know what to do so, somewhat humiliated, he went upstairs and watched tv until (2 minutes later) i came up and sat next to him and said sorry and told him to come back and join civilization.


umm tonight from the top. wow. uh..
I went to the boys lacrosse game with The Sex God and sat in the score-keepers box with him, (not alone though) and he talked to other people mostly about lacrosse, I didn’t feel left out though, I would watch the game and occasionally add my 2 cents into the conversation. Afterwards we were supposed to do something with Chris, but Chris went home without saying anything so we went to Chris's house to find him, and SG apologized for not really talking to me during the game, though I hardly noticed. he said he wanted to suck up to some of the board members to hopefully get a job for coaching lacrosse next year, as the entire board hates the current lacrosse coaches.
So we went to Chris's house and a few other girls lacrosse players showed up, and we watched movies and played pool and ordered pizza. during the movie though, I laid mostly on top of SG on the couch that was at an angle to the tv, so to sit with him, laying was somewhat necessary. and he would put his arm around me and hold my hand. Or loop it into my hoodie front-pocket thing, which really was good because (a) I have a flat stomach so it doesn’t matter if he knows, (b) he is hawt, and (c) with his arm in the hand-warmers pocket he could not very well take his hand and wander upward from my stomach or very far downward, he was stuck there. (yess..)
He would like rub my hand or move his hands along mine constantly. and then the movie ended and everyone left, and me and SG and Chris just sat in the basement talking for an hour and eating Swedish Fish. then at like 12:25 he took me home and gave me one of those big chocolate Hershey’s kisses, that are like 2lbs of chocolate. He took 2 from Chris’s house, cause they have like a million (and they knew he took them) and then at my house he walked me to my door, put his hands on my waist(somewhat awkwardly) and kissed me goodnight.
that is where i am now. sitting here thinking about him.
And every time I think about the kiss I still get butterflies up my stomach.
That was my first kiss.
It was amazing.
OMG, my hoodie smells like him (inhaling deeply)
I may never wash this.
...okay, maybe I will, but only with the promise that I can get it to smell good again :)
I don’t know what to think of this whole night.
I don’t know what is going on. I am still shaking. but in my defense it is snowing outside. and really cold in here.
Hah yea, snow in April.
wow I am babbling on like a moron. I’ll stop. I just figured you would like to know how the second day went. He has a lacrosse game tomorrow so I wont see him, and I have plans with curlz. He said he would talk to me later, and that we had to do something next weekend (I agree), and I had to go to the boys game Tuesday, if I didn’t have a game.
Which I just found out I do :(
My parents still have no idea about SG too. I think that is perhaps the best part. My dad knows I went out with him, but not today, and I don’t know if my mom knows anything, and Alec (thank God) is up at Penn State for the night. I don’t know how to tell them...
just imagine the conversation..
"hi Alec, have fun up a Penn State? ..good... uh by the way, you know your friend, the Sex God one? well see I went out with him yesterday and he kissed me on the lips, right on your front porch, proving he likes me better than you., and the best part is you cant do anything about it. "
..haha couldn’t you just picture the look on Alec’s face.
I wont do it though. I’ll wait until the right moment comes, if it ever does.
I have to still ask him about The Envy, I am pretty sure they are through, it was just something Brandon said that is making me wonder a bit. Plus if I ask him if he has a girlfriend, it will bring to the attention that he doesn’t (if he doesn’t) and that I am free and able to fill the position.
Hehe.
Monday. At practice . That’s when it all goes down.
Also I returned Brandon’s wallet, and I didn’t even take any of the money.
Also tomorrow (Sunday) will be the first day in 7 I haven’t seen SG.
..I am still butterflying over the kiss..

And I'm still smelling my hoodie. (inhaling deeply)..

"Man, what happened to all the pickles?"

Last night. Geez, this is going to be a long post. Okay so last night.
Now, we all remember that The Sex God is Alec’s friend, and really friends with everyone Alec is. But some crazy over-protective beast comes out in Alec when I get near boys. I figured it might be better, since he knew SG, they are friends, and he knows SG is a really nice guy. Better then most guys. But apparently that made no difference. I don’t know who told him, but Alec knew SG was taking me bowling tonight, and I heard him telling my dad. His exact words were "..well..I guess I can’t do anything to stop it." and when my dad asked if SG was a good guy (he worries about his daughter) Alec said, "No nothing will happen, I’ll make sure of that." like he has some authority over SG.
Anyways then I left at 6:50, and we went to go pick up the other people going bowling, SG’s best friend, Brandon (Alec’s friend too) and his brother Chris. But they weren’t home. Apparently they decided to go bowling at 9 instead of 7. haha. And then never called SG. So me and SG went out to the mall for a while and just walked and talked. Then headed back to his friend’s and sat on Chris’s bed played video games with them, and did nothing much til 9, when we all went bowling. Chris was so messed up on medication, cause he hurt his arm in lacrosse and it was so bruised and swollen it must have hurt bad. So Chris said random things and laughed insanely at things, that normally would have been stupid. I bowled badly but it was okay. I beat SG’s all time low score, so I am okay with that. SG was so amazing all night, he paid for my bowling and opened doors, high-fived me when I got strikes, or whenever he felt like, and he had cologne on (oooer.). Also he gave me these really good strawberry candies he stole from Brandon’s house. Mmmm... then after bowling, he took me home, and walked me to my door, and hugged me goodnight. He was really nervous he wouldn’t make it in time for my curfew, giving my family another reason to hate him (I will get into the initial reason they are skeptical later.) He said he had I great time and I said I did too, he asked if we could do it again next week and I said I’d love to. And he asked what I was doing tomorrow night (Saturday night) and I said I might be going to the movies with Curlz, but she might not be able to cause she has a track meet, but doesn’t know what time it starts. He said he’d call me and apologized for whatever hell I had to come home to with my brother. I told him it wasn’t his fault and said goodbye and walked inside. This was at 12:08.
Then I walked inside, taking Brandon’s advice of not looking too happy or too pissed. Too happy and they will think SG did something to me, too pissed and they will think he abused me. And I opened my purse to get my phone out, and saw Brandon’s wallet sitting there. He asked me to hold it during bowling for him, and I forgot I had it, apparently he did too.
So I took my phone downstairs with me, as Brandon has my cell number, but I don’t have his, so he would have to call me. I have SG’s home phone number but they were going to Brandon’s afterward, so it did me no good. They never called though, and Alec came home with about 5 other guys, they wanted to play poker. I was sitting here on the computer, and they were behind me waiting for me to leave, so I figure I’d give them what they want and walked upstairs. As I did I heard someone cough SG’s name. Like subtle, but I still heard. But that wasn’t good enough for them, soon they all were yelling his name at my back and laughing. Jerks. They were doing it to make Alec mad, I think. Still that means Alec told all his friends and they all knew. Geez, its not like anything happened anyway. We are FRIENDS, SG and me. Friends who like each other, but nothing more. Not until I find out if he is still with The Envy. Which I will tonight when he calls:)
I am not gonna lie. I am the happiest/luckiest person on earth, I just hope Alec doesn’t scare the SG away.
Like he does everyone else.

the story of SG

I know this is going to sound stupid, but since no one reads this anyway, I am going to be brutally honest with myself. So you are on the same page, and can semi understand what I am going through right now, I will attempt to fill you in.
I am a semi-attractive (hehe ..I like to think so) 17 year old. I am average height, but on the skinny side, because of all the running I do. I never thought there was anything majorly grotesque about me, but boys have never been into me. Well.. Maybe they have, but I have never been into them. For the past 6 years I have liked one guy, and only one guy (San Jose). I have never been tempted to like anyone else, or ever really even been asked out by anyone I even close to liked. I have never been kissed, on the lips, ever [by a guy]. I have never told anyone that, not even Curlz. I have never had a boyfriend, never been to a formal(or semi-formal) school dance, never slow danced. I never wanted to. Unless it was with SJ, which lets face it, will never happen.
But then, last year, something really strange happened. This boy started talking to me, and was really nice to me. I started going to his lacrosse games, not because of him, but because Pebbles boyfriend and brother played on the boys team. But for some reason I caught myself watching number 16. He was really good, so good in fact he broke all the schools shooting and points records, with his team won sections, and became All-American. After the games he always said hi and I was always looked forward to that, nothing more, nothing less. Then as graduation came nearer, as this boy was a senior, I realized something. Like something inside me clicked. I really liked this boy. Then June 4th came, he graduated, I was never going to see him again, and that night I cried my eyes out. I would never see him again, and in July he was leaving to go away to the Army, then to Iraq or wherever they ship him off to. He had a girlfriend anyway, I was being ridicules.
But I did see him again. Curlz brother’s graduation party. Probably the highlight of my life. It was really the first time I saw him since I knew I really liked him. He hung out with me and Curlz (abandoning his friends) all night. He even gave me an invite to his grad party/going away party (which I couldn’t go to). Then he left for the Army. July 28th, I remember. I figured, this time, this time it was for good. He is gone, and I was heartbroken.
December 29 he walked into my basement (while I was blogging my old blog). Alec (brother) invited him and a few others over to play poker. I made awkward small talk and that was it. I don’t know why he was home, I heard he got hurt in the Army, and that’s why he is still home. But I don’t know details. That was it until March, when lacrosse started up. The one time I was sitting up in the announcers booth with him during a rainy boys game, and then just talking at practice. Then he asked me to bowling. He drove me home. I got my first ever phone call from a boy today. I just don’t know what to do. SG has got me all confused.
But one things for sure.
I am never going to forget tonight, for the rest of my life.

de-stressed.. a little.

Okay. I am less stressed now, I promise.
I got things worked out. See at my game tonight I was getting real nervous, cause the coaches said practice was cancelled tomorrow, since we played well(but we didn’t). Anyway I was hoping to see SG at practice, but then if we don’t have it I don’t see him.
But as fate would have it, he was up at the highschool picking up his brother after the boys game and (thank God Almighty) their bus came after ours, so he was waiting in the parking lot and came out to say hi. And I wanted to talk to him but my ride was leaving so I asked him to drive me home. Him being the nicest guy ever said he would and even offered me his coat, cause it was cold outside. But instead we ended up sitting in his car for a while, until the bus came.and get this, when we walked over he OPENED THE DOOR FOR ME. Since when do guys even do that anymore?! He shut it for me too, then walked over to the drivers side. Also his car smelled soo good, like Sex God. I tried to memorize the smell, so later I can smell it (whatever it was) and think of my SG. Anyway his brother got a ride home from someone else (hurray!) and the SG drove me home. He said he didn’t think they’d be going bowling anymore, but playing Release in some park. He invited me to that or maybe bowling, he didn’t know. He asked me for my number (ooer) and said he would call about the plans. I promised to answer my cell when he calls, cause most of the time I don’t answer the phone, I don’t know why. And he said goodbye to me like 40 times, then would say something else, then bye again. It was really cute.
It’s times like these I really envy The Envy.

Spaz Much?

SG said he’d be in touch with me.
What if he can’t get a hold of me before tomorrow night? What then? Maybe he changed his mind and realized what a loser I am, much too much of one to go bowling. Oh no. what if he expects me to be at the boys lacrosse game tonight? The boys are playing a big rival school tonight, and I bet he thinks I will go, since I go to a lot of the games. But I play tonight! I can’t go. Plus I am failing English so I have to do my homework to bring up my grades before the school realizes I am athletically ineligible (lower than a 60%) but that not fair anyway because I only missed one assignment, I can’t help it was the only one assigned. Oh no, what if I can’t play lacrosse anymore? Then I will never see SG. And I will die, probably by suicide.

No, I like eating too much to kill myself. See I don’t think Heaven has chocolate, and what if I get there and there is none and everyone here on Earth is eating it up like there is no tomorrow, and I will look back and think of all the years I could have had on earth and be mad at myself.
Friday! I bet tomorrow I will see SG, and he will tell me what they are doing about tomorrow night and I will go, and life will be wonderful.. probably.

God I am such a spaz.
In my defense though, how often does a SG ask you to go bowling with him and his friends?


I guessing not often, as it’s the first time its ever happened to me.

Sex Gods love cake.

Didn’t update yesterday, I only got home at 10:30 and then I had to shower. heh, forget about homework. I was out so late because we had lacrosse right after school and got home at like 6:30 but I stayed up at the highschool to watch the boys game against Hampton.
okay today. it was a usual day, nothing stressful or terrible, just your usual Wednesday. then after school we had practice, but we had extra time before it started so me and pebbles and another girl(KS) went to giant eagle to buy KS food, because she just got dumped by her boyfriend (for an absolutely stupid reason) and she needed some bad-for-you-food to pick up her spirits. so I bought her cheesecake (hahaha) and myself a strawberry shortcake. Yes, we are so hard-core we can eat junk like that before practice and not be sick. But anyway I only ate half my cake (it was freakin huge!) and figured I’d save the rest for later. But the hot sun kind of melted the icing (just a little) and I didn’t really want it, cause I wasn’t hungry no more. Then after practice we were told to run one sprint for every ball you dropped during one of the drills. Coach kept a list and even though I dropped 3, I wasn't on the list, meaning I didn’t have to do any, really. But I had energy and wanted to be fair, so I ran 3 with everyone who had to do 3 and then one extra because there were only 2 girls who had to run 4 and I felt bad for them.
Meanwhile, while I was being a nice friend and running, the girl who usually rides me home left. I think she might have thought I was gone already, or got a ride somewhere else or something. I don’t know. but Pebbles offered to ride me home but she lives so far out of the way, I told her my mom could get me. so I called my mom and she said shed be like 15 minutes. so me and 3 other girls decided to climb down the steep woodsy hillside behind the school we practice at, looking for balls that went over (and goodness knows that’s a lot) after me and one of my teammates were just sitting there. She waits for her boyfriend, who plays guys lacrosse, to ride her home.(the boys practice is on the same field as the girls, but theirs runs a half hour longer) and she went to go get a ball off the biker kids who just came up from the hillside. so Sex God (ooer) comes over and asks if he can have my cake, and since I don’t want it anyway I give it to him. He knew I had it before practice because he came over while I had it out and I rubbed it in that I wasn’t giving him any. But then I gave him the other half after anyway. So I was talking to him for a while and he said how he owes me one for the cake, and that he could ride me home, since he was going that way anyway (this is actually the second tome SG offered to ride me home, but I still haven’t ever set foot in his car:(. I call my mom to tell her I had a ride, but by then my mom left already so I told him I’d just ride with her. On the phone I told my mom to come around the back, but somehow she got confused (thank God) and went to the front of the school. So it took her a while to get the idea to pull around. In the mean time The Sex God asked me to come bowling with him on Friday.
Now, lets not lose our heads here.
As far as I know, he is still going out with The Envy. Which is terrible luck, as I hate that girl and also she is such a snob.
Anyway I need to also tell you how terrible I am at bowling. beat me. Photo Guys 6-year-old brother beat me last summer, by like 8 pins. And he couldn’t even lift up the ball all the way, it was too heavy. I told SG that (since when can I ever keep my own secrets? Especially to SG) and he thought it was pretty funny and said he is really bad too, which made me feel better. He said he would be in touch with me before Friday, if I wanted to go with them. Which is do. I just hope my brother wont be there. Or The Envy... everyone else is okay, I suppose.
crazy day huh? I just realized I’ve seen SG everyday this week so far.
Not like I am paying attention or anything..
But it has been a wonderful week;)

lateness

Good God, how’d it get so late? Ok, 10pm isn’t that late, but it seems like 7 to me. I wish it was, I have school tomorrow, and I’m never going to fall asleep tonight. In my defense though, I did only eat dinner at 8:30 cause I had practice then I was over on of my lacrosse teammates houses making signs for Senior Rec til 7. Geez, and I really meant to get some homework done tonight.
On the plus side, today was a pretty good day. I didn’t see Celery or Dwarf (yay!) And I saw SG at practice. The boys lacrosse team practices at the same school we do (girls lacrosse) and we share a field to practice on. By ‘share’ I mean the boys let us have 1/4 and they get 3/4 plus the nets(jerks). But anyway Sex God helps coach the boys team, and I see him a lot while we are warming up and stuff. That is enough to make any day better. Practice itself wasn’t as good though, Coach Slave Driver made us do sprints for every ball the team dropped while doing the Star Drill. After 30 or so 50-yard-sprints you start to hate her and the freshmen who dropped the balls. I personally don’t mind the hellish sprints in the 80̊ weather on a field in a windless valley, but some people were dying. All you have to do to survive is remember; Sprints Are Fun. The more you believe it, the easier it gets, I’m telling you.

.Main Page.

Aloha.
You either are directed to this page by my links or you just started reading my blog and this is the only post I have up so far. Either way welcome. This isn’t my first blog, but hopefully I won’t start over again, and it will be my last. I started over for privacy issues, some unnerving events went down over the last 2 weeks, and I had to destroy the old blog. Anyway to preserve my privacy, and keep anyone from knowing anything, I am code-naming everyone in my life, that way, you can read and feel like you know me, but not actually know my identity. Genius huh? So if you ever forget who someone is, stop on by this page, and I’ll fill you in. Mmm kay?

Cast of my life
Frizz - me. My nickname, given to me by my best friend one summer when after swimming, my hair got all frizzy and unmanageable. Also my pen-name for many secret letters.

Curlz - (yes with a z) my best friend since 2nd grade (not counting the "Big Fight"of 99) and as you may have guessed, her hair is naturally super curly, although not usually normal colors. She’s a year and 7 months younger than me, and vrai amusante.

Mam and Papa - a.k.a. Mom and Dad.

The Nark- my annoying little sister. She is the biggest pest you will ever know. I usually only like her about 5% of the time, then the rest is usually annoyed by her 6th grade cheerleader ways. She is the clone of my mother, small, thin and blonde, has a big mouth, and not much brains.

Alec- my older brother. I got the name Alec from ‘Smart Alec’ like the person who has a clever comment to everything you say, which is my brother all over. I thought of calling him Smart Ass (which is really somewhat more fitting) but then I would have to call him Ass for short and he isn’t that much of an ass. He’s 2 years older than me, graduated highschool last year, and goes to college, be still lives at home. He is so intelligent he makes me look bad, and such a smooth talker, he can con you into doing anything for him.

Sex God ( SG) - named because I ready the Georgia Nicholson books (go read them) and the character in the book called "The Sex God" (there is no sex in the books, jsuk) shares the same name as the boy I call Sex God. Though mine isn’t so much as drop dead gorgeous as the one in the book is described, he is sexy. Oh hell. I like SG. He is one of my brother’s friends. I met him last year. He graduated 04 and was in the Army for a while, but got hurt and now is home. He is the nicest boy you will ever meet (seriously). Not a big guy, (in fact on the smaller side) has bright red hair, and an amazing lacrosse player. Only flaw is he is going out with The Envy.

The Envy - SG’s stupid girlfriend. Ok. She’s not stupid, but she was bitchy and controlling the one time I met her. But then the other time she was nice. Anyway I don’t like her.

San Jose(SJ or Sexy Joe)- okay, his name's Joe. I figured the versitility of SJ has to be explained. Anyway, this boy is the most handsome person you will ever meet. He is one year older than me, and played hockey with Alec, which is how I met him in the 6th grade. And honestly I have been infatuated with him ever since. (He has no idea) My first love. I can’t even tell him really either, I’m too much of a wuss.

Photo Guy (PG)- Photo Guy is really a girl. She is one of my friends who was really clingy last year. She would call and email me a lot, and I love her to death, but my other friends called her photo guy, like the Robbin Williams guy from One Hour Photo who stalked people, cause they thought her stalkerish. But she's really not, the name just stuck.

Pebbles - my good friend on my lacrosse team. She’s my age, and a hang out with her a good bit. She was named Pebbles a while ago, when her hair was really short and for lacrosse she would wear it up in a ponytail like Pebbles from the Flintstones. Since then she’s grown her hair somewhat longer, cause her sister wanted her to have long hair for her wedding (the sister’s not Pebbles!) Which is soon, I think?

Bam - (Bam Bam) staying with the Flintstones theme, Bams also my friend from lacrosse, and they called her Bam Bam cause she hung out with Pebbles so much. Also I knew her since 1st grade when I told her that her glasses looked funny. Which they did. But her glasses look fine now, and she forgave me for laughing at her glasses. Also she is my neighbor.

Celery - Ewww Celery!! I don’t like Celery. Named for a food that I don’t particularly like or hate, I don’t particularly like him. He is overweight(with man-boobs) and thinks I’m cute. He tries to talk to me a lot, and like hook up with me. It doesn’t work though, because I don’t like him. Also he was part of the problem on the other blog.

Dwarf - I hate this boy. Also my biological age, though not maturely my age, this boy is the center of all evil. He is like 4 feet tall and has long greasy black hair that is always in his watery pale blue eyes. He plays video games constantly, and lives in somewhat of his own world, staring off into space and not interacting with really anyone. He humiliates me daily. I seem to be his only love, other than Dungeons and Dragons, and he spent all of last year following me around and asking me out. I would go to the mall, and he would be there, positively running after me and Curlz, to the point where we hid in the girls’ bathroom, he would go to out lacrosse games and practices to watch me, and scariest of all, recently he made an entire (okay 90%) blog dedicated to me, what I did that day, and how he almost asked me out, but didn’t have the opportunity or something. He read my old blog religiously, and tracked my online activity, through a new s/n cause I blocked his old one. He is your everyday creepy stalker dude. I hate him.